I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
