He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Sorry about my life...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
