Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
