i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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