On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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