Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low