If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.