don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
