Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
