I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
