u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
