if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
