I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
