all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
