why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
