if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
