Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
