why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im six kinds of drunk right now
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
