The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
