If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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