I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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