my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
