Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
