We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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