Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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