You can't motorboat a personality
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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