Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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