Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
