My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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