Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
