I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drunk is not a location!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
