Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
