i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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