Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There's always time for handjobs
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
