Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
they need to just BURY HIM!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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