Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
