i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
