2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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