i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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