one word: firstdatebathroomanal
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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