Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
