I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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