i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
