I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
