Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
