i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
