airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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