If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
