Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
