Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
