So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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