If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
