i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
