alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
