Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
