I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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