Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
