help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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