oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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