Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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