You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
