mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
