Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My life is pants optional.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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